healthy.

I'm going to start writing more. I think it's healthy for me to get out all these thoughts I have in a good way. Like, I don't want anybody to read these. And what I want to share with people, I will. I'll probably tell Joe I'm doing this. I think he'll think it's a good idea.

I think I have a few things to say. Firstly, i'm not going to worry about capitalising my letter i anymore. Nobody is going to read this, so it doesn't matter and it's an effort to press the shift button as i type it. So i simply won't. May not even bother to capitalise the start of sentences either. just do whatever i want to do. and i think it may be good for me to not worry about those little things. that's what essays are for right.

okay
why do guys in clubs think it's acceptable to touch women. like actually what the hell. i know that a certain kind of men go to clubs as a general. they go to 'pull'. they seem to think that the only reason women may go to a club is for the man's benefit; to pull. but actually no. when we were out for elisha's birthday there were so many hen parties and birthday girls and just friends all out together, i bet such a tiny percentage of the girls out were actually out to 'pull'. and i know there have probably been so many posts about this before bitchin' about why guys touch our asses and grab up and rub their dicks up on us. but i just need to do my own. it makes me feel sick. i full on had my butt grabbed like squeezed and it just made me feel so sick and violated. i hate using that word - violated. it just sounds like such a tumblr feminist word. and im not that kind of person at all. but it made me want to leave the club there and then, leave having fun with my friends on what should be a great night out, because my butt was grabbed by someone i have no idea who they were. it's horrible.

next
coming across things on tumblr that make you feel sick. especially from people you  know. like i've been called a prude, whatever i literally could not care less. i like being the way i am and if somebody perceives the way i am as prude then that's their lookout not mine. but why in the heck would you write stuff on there of such a personal nature, don't you think anyone is gonna see it? or do you just not care. whatever. but why put rank stuff on there that literally nobody would want to see. i just dont get it. idk. it made me feel sick when i saw it.

it was so lovely to see my parents today

i like my job but its real tiring lately.

i dont want to get that funny thing happening with my heart again. it scares me

i want to be able to wear jeans and a crop top

hmm okay. done i think

You breathe.

Nothing. Nothing is an odd notion isn't it? Can there ever really be nothing? You can never truly do nothing. You breathe. You pulse. Your heart beats and your cells regenerate. You are someone, you are a part of something. You blink. You listen. You salivate, you swallow. You breathe. You think. You wonder. You dream. Your blood pumps round your body. You breathe. You think. You dream. You become. Your lungs turn air into carbon dioxide - you breathe. You constantly change and renew. Cell by cell by cell by cell. You breathe. You started your life with 300 bones. They fused together into the 206 you sit there with now. You breathe. You have around 86 billion neurons in your brain. They allow you to speak, plan, reason, solve problems, feel emotions, move, remember, see, hear, taste, touch, smell and balance. You breathe. You are you, nobody else can be you. You have so many different sides to you. You breathe. You are incredible and almost impossible being. You breathe. You are wonderful. You are special. You were made and grew from two tiny cells into what you are now. You breath. You are not doing nothing, you are not nothing, you are you. And that is good. You breathe. You breathe. You breathe. 

This post has no title.

We cannot pretend there is any kind of togetherness anymore. There is only whatever this is and nobody seems to know what this is. Well, SOME might, but nobody is telling me because clearly I don't deserve to be told. When you do something that is wrong, you always know it is wrong even when you're doing it. So you must know right now that what you are doing is wrong. It's not fair on anyone. Not fair on her because even though she says it won't, we all know it will. Unfair on him because he is put in an awkward position where he doesn't know what is right. Unfair on him because he's being kept in the dark about It all when they supposedly tell each other everything. And most of all, unfair on us because you are tearing this apart from the inside. We all love this and you say you do too, but it's like you're willing to sacrifice this for that when that won't even end up bring yours because you clearly want something else more. 

This sucks, it sucks so bad that you trusted her more than us. It sucks that you talk to him more than us. It especially sucks that I genuinely don't believe that this is you. 

Lots to do (also know as: Freedom from purpose)

Christmas shopping, is almost complete, I know it's super early but I want to get it all done because I know I have so many deadlines close to Christmas. My aim was to have everything bought before the 1st December. This is going well. The only person I have left to buy anything for is Joe, and that is simple, one trip into town to buy lots of American sweets (yes I know it sounds like a lame present, but he had some of his budget left and that is what he chose because he is a little man child. Hahahahaha). Well, I'm waiting for two presents to arrive from amazon, but other than those and joe's presents, everything is wrapped as well. I'm great at Christmas! I love Christmas shopping, and as soon as it's December 1st I'm putting up Christmas decorations in my room, and we have a tree and lights for the house but need baubles and tinsel and stuff so we need to buy those then we can christmas up our house! Yay! 

I'm currently planning the Christmas show at work as well. It's hard going but I know the kids will love it. I know what I'm doing with the inters, they gave me lots of ideas last week so I'm currently writing a script for them, but for the juniors - it's a different story. There's like 18 of them and I don't know what to do! I think I might do some kinda of Santa's workshop thing but I don't know HOW I want to do it. Hmmm

I'm going out tonight with the girls, because we haven't all been out together since Elisha's birthday and to be honest I need a break. I haven't been out since the end of October and I can afford it now that I'm working. So yeah, I don't need to justify it to anyone, let alone myself. I'm borrowing one of Amy's dresses.

THE POSTMAN JUST CAME AND DELIVERED ONE OF MY PACKAGES I WAS WAITING FOR, so naturally I stopped writing this post and wrapped it. So now it's only one parcel I'm waiting for for Christmas presents.

Um now I've lost my train of thought and I don't want to force it to come back. I have a headache and the washing machine is being waaaaaaaay too loud. We're going out tonight, oh I already said that, but yeah so I'm trying to get lots of work done before 5pm so I can forget about it all and know today was productive, 

I need to start my 20th century essay. Hmm. I read Blasted last night, it was a horrible play, it really made me uncomfortable, so I know I'm not gonna look forward to talking about it in class over the next couple of weeks, so I'm like 98% sure I'm not going to use it in my essay, so technically nothing is stopping me from starting my essay now. I have narrowed it down to 3 questions, but one I would be worried I would run out of things to say, another one is worded oddly so I'd be worried id misunderstand it and the third one seems like the obvious choice and the one that everyone will pick. Hmm I don't know, I'm pretty sure though I know which two plays I'm doing. Well I know one for definite, and I thought I knew the second one but I'm not so sure now that we've looked at the homecoming. Ahh I should probably ask Sue for her opinion. Mental note - email Sue. 

This is an incredibly long post in which I'm not really saying a lot. But I'm waiting for my laptop to restart from doing an update, so I kinda want to keep writing. Doing this blog is definitely therapeutic. Like it just lets me write for no reason at all and that's nice, to not have a reason, to just write and write about anything I like until I don't want to anymore. It's freedom from purpose. Yeah I like that. I'm gonna call this post that, freedom from purpose. Ha it sounds kinda philosophical. I'm not trying to be, it just came out like that. Oh well.

My laptop is back on now, so back on to script writing. Ramble over. 

Dada inspired iTunes poetry

So, I took the first ten songs from shuffle in iTunes. I then took the first line from these ten songs, jumbled them up and this is it!

This city never sleeps, that is what they all say. I'm a cloud drifting by, you said things would never change. Look who's digging their own grave, daydreamer, oh if you could see me now. Time it took us to where the water was, dripping tears from the sky, sitting on the sea. You won't be around forever girl, soaking up the sun. You cool your bed-warm hands down but sometimes they get rearranged. You gotta grab life with both hands. The birds they sang, on the broken radiator. I hear the people walk by when it's late, the break of day.

The long awaited video diary. HAHA

A day in the life of me.

Joe's alarm went off at 6am. Woke Joe and Indo (who was sleeping on the sofa in the lounge.) I peed. They chatted. They decided against whatever the hell they were planning to do that early in the morning. We went back to sleep. My alarm went off at 7:30. I snoozed twice. I got up and showered. I came downstairs and got dressed and made a cup of tea, waking Indo up on the process. I apologised and went to my room. I put on my make up and dried my hair. I packed my bag and woke Joe. I made some toast and ate it whilst Joe put my socks and shoes on for me as I was running a little late now. I locked my room, said bye to the boys and left. I put my headphones in and started my walk. I felt a tap on my shoulder when I was half way down the road. Joe had left his bag in my room and I had locked it when I left. So he ran back with my keys, got his back, locked my room and ran my keys back out to me. My wall to uni was pretty rushed as this had made me even later. I arrived at uni on time. We had making performance this morning which was fun. We went to spend some time in the Mumford and then back to rehearsals. Joe came into our production meeting after the rehearsal as he is creating an image for us for our piece. We had the meeting, took the photos and he and I went to coslette cafe for some lunch. I had BBQ mini cheddars which are my absolute favourite. I then left uni and headed into town. I went to primark, new look and the apple store. I bought a new phone case (which in hindsight I don't really like, so I will return it) from a strange guy who worked there and made me feel uncomfortable. I then had my genii so appointment at 2pm and got a new phone. I returned to uni, found Elisha and sat in the open access area doing a little bit of work. Joe messaged me to say he and Indo had finished their lecture early. We left uni and got a cheeky KFC on the way home. We walked home and talked about dogs. I'm going to get a sausage dog and call him Montague (Monty for short) when I have my own house. We reached indo's house (where Joe is staying at the moment too). We said bye and I continued my walk home. There were some strange looking men so i walked rather fast. When I arrived home I brought the bin in as it had been emptied today and noticed a Jiffy bag shoved under the porch. I removed it and saw it was for my housemate Elisha. I unlocked the door and saw a delivery note from Hermes. I was desperate for a wee so I came in to use the loo, then went back out to retrieve my parcel, which the delivery note had told me was near the garden gate. I brought it inside and opened it. It was my dad's Christmas present. I shall wrap it later. I sat down, took my shoes and coat off, plugged my phone in to my laptop to restore from my back up and wrote this post. And here we are.